It would have been her first child.
»Are you okay to talk about it?«, I ask Juliane.
It’s a very personal topic to share, especially online. We just finished the photoshoot next to this impressive building. We are now walking back.
»I’m quite open about this issue because it receives too little attention in the public. It happened 6 months ago, I was at week 8. It’s surprising how strong the bond to this little thing in my belly was already. A few weeks ago, a pregnant woman told me that her expected day of birth is in July. I couldn’t help but thinking: ›This could be me.‹ I had to leave the conversation, it was too painful.«
»What helps you to cope with the loss?«
»It’s important for me that I have the ultrasound images as a memory. People don’t like to talk about it. I guess it’s because they don’t know what to say. However, they don’t need to solve my problem … I don’t even know myself what the problem was. It’s already enough if somebody listens and I’m free to talk about it. I talked to a colleague and found out that she had a miscarriage too. Additionally, there was a woman I once did the shopping for. She experienced the same. Many cases don’t enter the statistics because the pregnancy wasn’t progressed far enough.«
We arrive in the old town and take a seat on a bench. »How did this story go again you mentioned before the photoshoot?«, I ask.
»Because he wants it and not because he has to?«
»Yes, that one.«
»Two weeks after my miscarriage we went to the mountains. We were skiing which I wouldn’t have done if I had still been pregnant. Suddenly, my boyfriend stops next to the slope. A nice place with the Matterhorn in the background. ›Let’s make a photo‹, he says. Then he puts off his skis what he usually doesn’t do for a photo. I go up to him, then he proposes to me. ›We will succeed‹, he says up to this day. We keep on trying.«
»Do you think the pain will go away if you get pregnant again?«
»I don’t know. I like to say: ›This was a test run, now there comes the fine-tuning.‹ Since being an adult I’ve needed multiple attempts for various things: Education, relationships … maybe this one is no different?«